It’s amazing the impact that weather has on me now. A rainy weekend just now affects me negatively with naps all day and going to bed at 8:30 while a sunny low humidity day makes me feel like I can do anything. It never used to be like that. While Marlene did suffer from SAD in the winter, her mood always kept me up high regardless of the time of year.
It’s funny but I used to scoff at people saying they did not know who they were and today I find myself in that same predicament. My sense of identity and purpose is nonexistent. Everything was about being there for her but now it’s like what’s the point. All part of the process of healing I know.
Being of service of any kind brings about anxiety and not fulfillment. Like a solution to be found or a goal to be attained, I just see a directionless blank canvass.
I’m spending like I have five years to live rather than twenty looking in all the wrong places for any bit of happiness.
On the positive side, I’ve begun basic cooking forced on me by the doctor and most recent blood results of blood sugar and cholesterol. So, I guess it’s time for an attitude change and move on to whatever that might be.
Max is turning 14 today June 30th so I will take him to the pet store to get a toy and some treats. Heck I might even take the BBQ out of storage and cook us a steak.
I truly am doing much better.
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